Broken and Kept
by Vintage Tea Party
Summary: It's always him and her traveling through space and time, keeping the promise of the name he chose long ago. But the promise is broken, Gallifrey is gone, and the Doctor is lost and feels broken beyond repair. Just as he saved her life long ago she will now save his and help him find the one that will change it forever. Takes place before episode 1 "Rose"
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is a look at what might have happened when the Doctor did choose to end the Time War by destroying Gallifrey. It does not take into account events that took place in the 50****th**** special. We start with the War Doctor…**

_Never cruel, nor cowardly. Never give up. Never give in._

The TARDIS not far off now and the Doctor was relieved. He stumbled as his pace quickened to get to her even sooner; already his vision was darkening from the pain. The screaming in his head was building and he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold it off. He was using all of his energy to stifle it but still it was reaching a nearly unbearable level. Yet he knew this was just a fraction of what he would hear when he let go of the mental block he was holding and he knew when he heard the full extent of it, it would be overwhelming. He didn't want that to happen until he got back to the TARDIS.

He fell to his knees just a few steps from her doors the pressure and pulsing in his head so bad now that it completely blocked his vision. He crawled the remaining steps and once inside he simply collapsed to the ground. He rolled over on to his back and closed his eyes. He felt the cold metal of the floor pressing on him and he let out a sigh of relief that he had made it. She closed the door behind him.

The TARDIS's presence was hovering around him. He knew her feeling well. It was warm and bright like the warmth and light of deep summer day. It was good and comforting but he didn't want to feel it now. He felt hints of her curiosity and concern at what was going on and what was troubling him. He felt her touch him but she could not get in his mind enough to find out. He raked his hands over his face trying in vain to hide himself from her. He didn't want her to know what had happened; he didn't want her to know what he had done. Ashamed didn't even close to describing the intensity of regret and shame he felt for what he had just done. He didn't want her to know but soon she would.

His mental block was stronger than it ever had been, stronger than he had ever wished or needed it to be. She couldn't penetrate it. The billions of voices that pressed against it were weakening it and barley getting through. It was muffled but he knew what to expect. Billions of screams surrounding him. The sound of his people dying. The sound of his sin, the people he had murdered. He braced himself for that. He knew he would hear them; he had been the one to cause them. He had pushed a button and in that instant he had ended the Time War, the Daleks, and his very own people.

The second he started to let off the mental block he cried out in agony as the shield around his mind completely caved in and allowed the onslaught of stimuli to fill his mind. Billions of screams at the same moment, all within his mind. He had never heard so many in his mind at once and never such great suffering. He could hear every single one of them, every person on Gallifrey. They were the screams of his people, all suffering, all burning, all dying at this very moment. He could feel their pain and fear and sadness. He could feel the burning and death.

He curled up on the ground, wrapping his arms around himself as he writhed in pain. He screamed at the top of his lungs and he sobbed with everything that in him. It was overwhelming. He was hearing an entire species end. Futures and entire timelines exploded in front of him. He could feel each one severing off at the end as one by one they succumbed to the fire that would end their lives.

As bad as the screaming was there was something much worse.

Silence

Cold silence came to wash over him. It was such a contrast to the screaming that had been there before that he was momentarily stunned by it. His ears, even his mind rung as the silence replaced the deafening screaming. But it did not take long for the shock to subside and the silence to begin reeking more havoc on his mind than the screams ever could. Where before there had been an overwhelming number of minds inside of his, now there was not a single one. Never in all his life had there not been at least one conscious presence around. What the silence meant was almost more than he could bear; they were all gone and he was all alone.

His own mind felt completely foreign to him; he'd never known it this way. The moment their voices stopped he felt like his mind was stripped of everything that was familiar to him. The silence was so dark he couldn't find his way in it. What was his mind without the presence of others? It felt ravished and bare and completely dead. Could it even exist that way? He did not know.

The Doctor was temporarily lost. There had never ever been silence in his head. He panicked at it; he didn't know what to do with it. Like a man who had been robbed of his sight he literally scrambled to find his way around, to find a way out of this, a way to live with the silence. He started to hyperventilate, crawling at the air, desperately trying to make his silent mind make some kind of sense.

In the next moment he felt the TARDIS reach out to his mind, gently stroking it and telling him it would be alright. He had never felt her presence so strong in his mind and he whimpered when he felt it, falling back to the ground. It helped; he wasn't comepletly alone. His mind clung back at her for dear life, desperate to make the silence stop. His mind felt burned and ravaged and she felt cool over it, taking away the pain.

This new intensity of her presence was surely because he was so desperate at the moment. She'd never been this strong before but he had never needed her so much. Even still, it didn't feel like enough to save his mind. The deathly screams followed by the dark silence seemed like too much for him to bear.

It _was _too much to bear.

He felt the _thump thump thump thump_ of his dual heart beat stop. He was glad. The absence of this sound was music to his ears. But it was only an instant before he felt the regeneration energy starting to build from the core of his body to save his life.

He fought it as it began to build rapidly in his body, preparing to regenerate this dead body into a new one. He fought his body's intense urge to regenerate, resisting the glowing energy that was starting to come off. He willed it back where it came from, pushing it back down and not allowing it to radiate all over his body. His body did this on its own; it wanted to regenerate. This was what was supposed to happen; he would have to fight for it not to happen. He could refuse to let it bring him back to life but it would be hard. It would be painful. He welcomed that. He gritted his teeth as the pain burned inside of him.

He felt the TARDIS's presence on him even stronger than before. She wrapped around his mind again, concern and sadness heavy in her touch. There was also realization; she knew what he planned to do, what he was refusing to do. When it occurred to her what he was doing he felt her concern for him spike.

He tried to ignore her and her rapidly growing distress. He focused instead on the pain. The physical pain was building so much that he let out a scream. The regeneration energy wanted to repair him. It wanted to change and bring new life; it didn't want to be pushed aside and stopped. He fought back roughly to keep it from doing what it was made to do. He deserved the pain that he was getting. They had all felt pain. They had all died, all burned because of him and he should too.

He had no desire to live after what he had done. He didn't want to know what kind of man would result from this. Surely, that man would be a monster to have been born in battle formed by the blood, revenge and anger around him. He already was a monster. No one would want him alive. He himself didn't want to be alive.

_Don't do this_

He was momentarily caught off guard as he heard the voice of the TARDIS quietly call out in his head. Never before had he heard her voice in actual words and he jumped in surprise at the sound of it.

He felt the regeneration energy get ahead of him as his attention had been focused on this temporary distraction. He focused all his attention back on it, pushing it back with a vengeance, least it should get the upper hand.

_Don't do this _she cried again.

"Stop it!" he cried out at her. His face contorted in pain. His body was getting weaker as he continued to fight the energy. He was starting to win the battle but he had not done it yet.

_Live _

"No!" he cried firmly.

_Why? _

"I can't. I just…can't."

_Doctor_

"I am not the Doctor anymore." It was terrible to not be yourself anymore and he wasn't the Doctor anymore. He had broken the promise, the promise that made him who he was. The promise that guided his actions. Without it he didn't know who he was.

_Please...please don't _

"Why not? Why won't you just let me die? I _want _to die."

He felt her plant a memory into his head. It was a memory of the day he had chosen her, the day that he had picked her to travel away in. He could feel what that meant to her. He had chosen her even though she was old and broken. He had called her beautiful and made her feel special. He had chosen her and gave her a chance to see the universe. He had saved her life and she loved him. She was begging him not to leave her.

The memory struck him deep inside. That day was special to him too. _She _was special to him. They'd shared so many memories together over the centuries. Lots of things changed but one thing did not: It was always him and her.

But now everything _had_ changed. Those times were in the past now. "Didn't you see what I did?" he cried out brokenly. Some may have thought it foolishness that he walked so far away from her to do it. But he hadn't wanted her to see it. It was silly to do because she would have sensed it from his mind the second he let off of the mental block.

He felt from her that she knew it all. He covered his face. It hurt even more to know that she had seen the terrible thing he had done. This terrible feeling, the feeling of having blood on your hands, of being a murder and having others see you for that, was what he would feel every day of his life if he survived this. He would have to carry this guilt forever.

Surely, she hated him for what he'd done. This was not what they had agreed on. This is not what they did with their lives. She should kick him out of her doors and never turn back.

But she didn't. Instead she begged again. _Please _

She still wanted him. She still loved him and was sending those feelings to him. He could feel that there was no judgment, no hate, not even fear in the way she held his mind right now. He only felt her sadness at the thought of losing him and hoping that it wouldn't happen. How could she possibly still care for him?

He didn't deserve any of it. She may still want him around but he did not. He was a wretched excuse for a person and he did not want to allow himself to keep on living.

"I can't live with myself anymore. I hate myself. I hate what I am, my very being, my existence. How can someone possibly live with that?"

There was sympathy from her. She didn't want him blaming himself for what had happened. She knew how terrible he felt for his actions but she didn't think he should make himself feel them. _It had to be done. _

She understood. They both knew that it had to be done. But that did not erase the guilt he felt for having done it. And it did not take away all the grief he felt in losing them. This wasn't just about punishing himself; it was also about having no will to go on.

"I can't stand the silence. It's so lonely. Too terribly lonely."

He felt her radiate something else: Understanding. Just as he was the last of his kind, so was she. There would be no other TARDISs anymore. Just as he was mourning the loss of his kind, so was she.

Somehow, in his selfish emotions, in the middle of this self-centered act he was considering he felt a small trickle of sympathy. How could he possibly do this to her? How could he leave her? After all they had been through, after he was the one to destroy their planet, how could he then leave her too? What would happen to her, all alone?

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he cried several times, he didn't even know how many. She held him closer, knowing what he thinking and feeling. It was his fault. He had destroyed her kind as well as his own. She understood what had to be done. She had not tried to stop him. She had known what the destruction of his planet would mean for her and she had helped him get there.

All of it was his fault and he didn't want to give up on her but he didn't know how to keep from giving up. The more he was getting upset the less he was winning the battle with the regeneration energy. He felt her coaxing his heart and soul trying to push it over the edge to let the healing begin.

"How? How?" he asked.

_Hold on to the promise. _

"But I broke it."

_You need the promise. Holding on to it is the only way you will make it. _

"What does that mean?"

_For now, 'never cowardly.' Do not take the easy way out. 'Don't give up'. _

She wasn't giving up yet. Not on him, not on life. So, he decided to try for her. He felt her wiggling in, coaxing him to let go of the restraint and let the regeneration energy do what it was supposed to.

He knew this would be bad. He had never held off the regeneration energy for so long and he knew that now when he did let it free it would hurt. Dread filled him and he took a deep breath. "Here we go," he simply said as he stopped pushing the energy back and let it do what it wanted to do. He screamed at the top of his lungs as the energy sprung from his body and flowed out of his limbs, burning the whole way out.


	2. Chapter 2

It was a few days later when the Doctor finally came back to. Had his mind been clearer he would have been able to tell, down to the second, just how much time had passed. But as it was, he was doing a good job just to register the fact that he was waking.

He felt before he saw anything. He groaned as he moved ever so slightly and his new but very sore muscles protested the movement. He could feel his body was different, younger and much stronger than the last. Time had been most cruel to the last one he'd had and he'd required so much of it. There were different sizes, different colors to this new one but beside these surface facts that came instantly he sought no more new information out about it. He didn't care what this new body looked like or felt like. He was afraid of it, afraid of the man he had become. He knew that events greatly influenced his regenerations and knowing the terrible events that surrounded this one, he had no desire to know what man this would be.

As he had expected, delaying the regeneration had made it much more difficult. He did not usually feel the need to lay for so long let alone be completely out of it for days following it. But his body was most resilient and was adapting quickly. Even the soreness was fading fast. He probably only had that from being asleep for so long. You never knew what you would end up, regeneration was such a toss-up but this body was brand new and strong. But he took no comfort in that. He didn't want this new life. He didn't deserve this new body, this second chance.

His mind was a reminder of that. Though his body was feeling better by the second, his mind still throbbed and ached. He was still having a very hard time thinking through the silence. It paralyzed and confused him. His thoughts were muddled at best and he was too tired and damaged to try for better than that.

He felt the touch of the TARDIS on his mind like a hand resting gently upon him. He felt she sensed he was waking as she began to stroke gently back and forth. He kept his eyes closed and tried not to wake though he already was. He didn't want to see the world with these new eyes. He wanted to go where he didn't have to think or do anything. He just wanted to go back down into bliss unconsciousness; the only place where time and its consequences couldn't touch him.

The stroking got a little more insistent and he knew she was trying to nudge him awake. He was thankful for her presence that kept him from being completely alone in his mind but he did not want to wake up. It was several minutes as she got more insistent, nearly shaking him awake, that he finally opened his eyes.

When he opened them he could see what he hadn't, but should have been able, to feel. But through his muddled and perhaps self-centered brain he could not.

This regeneration hadn't only been difficult on him. He opened his eyes and looked around the room for the first time with his brand new eyes and was met with a brand new TARDIS. When he let his regeneration energy loose it must have damaged her to the point of needing to repair herself as well. He looked around the room with no interest in the new setting what so ever. Normally, he would be excited to see a new control room and with excitement he would search out all her new rooms. But he didn't feel excitement for anything.

He did however feel guilt over having caused her the pain that had led to it. Now that it had been brought to his attention he could feel her pain and weariness though it was subdued. She was nearing the end of her repairs so it wasn't so bad but he could tell it had been quite painful in the beginning.

"Sorry about that," he mumbled out to her as he rolled over onto his hands and knees to push himself off the ground.

He felt her stroke his mind reassuringly, letting him know that it was alright and she wasn't angry. Rather than erase his guilt it only created more in his mind. He really couldn't imagine why she was putting up with him. She had been suffering for days because of him and he hadn't even been there for her.

He paused as he looked down at the floor because he didn't even know what to do. She gave him a push and he slowly got off the ground. He took one step. He would take it one step at a time. That's all he could do for now.

* * *

The Doctor felt as the TARDIS landed and gave him a nudge as if to say _Here we are_

He sat in the jump seat not really caring where they were. It had taken a couple of days after he awoke for her to finish repairing herself and for them to be able to go anywhere. The days were a blur as his depression and damaged mind did not allow him to care or even remember how he had spent the past few days.

He remembered changing shortly after he had awoke. His clothes had been burned and in tatters after his powerful regeneration so he had wandered to the wardrobe to change. He had chosen the simplest, no nonsense clothes he could find. Just some black trousers, a jumper, and a leather coat similar to the one he had been wearing but was now beyond repair. His hair was short and didn't need any fussing with, a fact he was grateful for since he didn't plan on tending to it. He hadn't even bothered to look in a mirror yet. But since then he really remembered nothing.

His body was brand new. He could feel that the regeneration was now complete. But he felt the furthest thing from being alive. He felt nothing. It was like this new body was foreign to him, something he was disconnected with. He always felt that way to a degree but never had he gone so long without any attachment to it.

His body might be brand new but his mind was still old and worn, the same one he had brought from the last body. And yet, without the presence of others as he was used to, it too felt foreign to him. It was his mind but it was not the way that he knew it.

The pain in his head had settled into a deep dull ache. It was the kind of pain that was almost worse than the pain caused by the initial injury. The initial pain is so overwhelmingly terrible you're almost in so much shock you can't register it. But the kind of pain you feel later, when you are trying to heal is worse. It was a persistent kind of pain that settled into a person to stay for a while, that wore down on you.

The TARDIS continually held on to him, always comforting him and watching over him these past few days. He felt guilty that she was dotting on him so. She was in pain of her own. He could still feel her repairing herself after his fiery regeneration had destroyed her from the inside. And instead of helping her through it he only created more for her to concern herself with. He didn't deserve to be cared for and taken care of. He wasn't the victim here. He had caused all of this and the very last thing he deserved was sympathy of any kind.

But he also knew that he wouldn't be alive if she weren't and so he left her to it. She wanted him to keep going and he knew, without a doubt that wouldn't happen without her help. If he was going to make it through this (which he still wasn't sure about) he would have to accept the help. Whether he wanted to or not. Whether he deserved it or not.

He could see the screen from where he was sitting that told him where they were. He hadn't even bothered to fiddle or mess or learn anything about this new machine. She had brought them here.

"Earth? Why?" He asked simply. He had not chosen the destination and he did not feel like going anywhere.

_Because they need you_

"Why? Do they need to be destroyed?" he asked cynically.

_They need to be saved_

"Then I am not the one they need."

_You are exactly the one that they need_

"I destroy people. I destroy entire species. I destroy whole planets. If they need saving then they don't me."

_They _do_ need you_

She was being so patient and deep down he knew she was right. But right now he felt like staying in his grief. Though he had hardly earned the right to it he just felt like staying here in his mourning. Why should he concern himself about others and their problems when he had so many of his own?

He knew this was dangerous thought territory for him and was probably the very reason she was suggesting he get out and do something. He needed his time and he had had some odd number of days of that. But too much alone time, too much time to think and focus on himself was a terribly dangerous thing for him. Bad things started to happen. But he was stuck, unable to make himself care.

"Why should I care? Even if I believed you, even they do need me, even if there is something I can do, which I doubt very much at this point, why should I even care?"

He felt her hesitation before she spoke and he thought it was because he had won the argument. Maybe she saw how ugly he could be and she was finally fed up with him. She had something to say but he thought she paused because her retort wasn't good enough. It wasn't until she spoke that he realized she had hesitated because she hadn't wanted to hurt him.

_Because you need them_ she stated simply with a gentle push on his mind.

He underestimated her.

Tears sprung to his eyes, both at her words and her gentle push on his mind. He looked down and was quiet, what little fight he had in him, gone now. He knew she was right. She was right and she was trying to help but he had to acknowledge the facts and that hurt. He was all alone now. He didn't have a people or a home any longer. His raw mind was proof enough of that. His people were not meant to be alone. He felt her gently wrap around his mind trying to ease the pain and he knew that it was the only thing that kept it from being unbearable. She held him tight and he let her.

She was telling him that he needed them to go on. She was here for him and that helped but it wasn't going to be enough. He was going to need more. It shouldn't be a surprise to him but somehow it was.

He had always been very fond of humans. They were his favorites, though he wouldn't admit it to anyone. They were always the ones that he chose for his adventures. He had always been amazed and surprised by their sense of adventure and their unshakable hope. He'd always needed that and he knew it could never be more true than it was at this moment.

But it was even more than that now. He now needed them to be his people, his family, his home. He'd never depended on them in that way before and he wasn't sure he could now.

"I don't know if I can do this," he confessed and he wasn't embarrassed of the tears that ran down his face. He never was with her. He was trying for her sake to live and keep going but he was starting to feel like maybe he just wouldn't be able to.

_Trust me_

Those two words. So full of promise. He spoke them often as if they were defense enough for whatever he was asking a person to do. But they were more than enough for her. He had no reason, no evidence or history to not to put his complete trust in her. He had the furthest thing from blind faith in her; she had proven herself over and over throughout the years.

Right now she was all he had. If it weren't for her he would be dead. If it weren't for her presence and support he would have died in the pain and silence. If it weren't for her he would be all alone. She was the only thing that was keeping him from losing his Time Lord mind.

She could feel him deliberating. _Trust me_, she begged again. _Have I ever let you down? Trust me and hold on to the promise. Be the Doctor. Never cruel. They need you; don't turn your back on them. _

He still wasn't sure he could actually do this. He still might try and fail. But he would never get anywhere he wasn't even willing. With her strength and reassurance which he clearly felt being sent to him right now, he felt like he could at least be that.

The first thing about being the Doctor meant never turning away when someone asked for help. "How do they need us now?" he asked.


	3. Chapter 3

The Doctor walked inside of the TARDIS and closed the door behind him. He silently made his way to the console and began working without saying a word. He was trying his best just to focus on the work at hand and not think about what had happened or how shaken up it had left him. He felt the TARDIS and her curiosity but still he said nothing.

Instead he focused on the screen in front of him. He needed to find out if blowing up the shop and therefore the relay on the roof had removed the Nestene threat. But it wasn't long before he felt the TARDIS skim over his memories. It was one of the things he liked about her. They never needed words. In fact, until a few days ago they had never had words. But right now, when he was trying so hard to forget what happened and she was searching to find out what had happened it was distracting. He couldn't focus on the task at hand.

He knew she was only concerned. He could feel that clearly. She had been with him every second since the tragedy had occurred. But once they had arrived at Earth and he discovered what the threat was that was endangering Earth he had been off to neutralize it, alone. They had been separated. It had been the first time since everything had happened that she hadn't been there to take care of him. For hours he had been gone and she'd had no way of knowing what was going on or how he was. She had missed him. He sent her a fond greeting in reply to show her that he had missed her as well.

He felt her probe a little deeper and he knew she had found the right memory, the memory that he was trying to forget, because he felt her curiosity and her excitement grow. She may have brought him here and she may have known there was a threat to Earth's safety but that did not mean she knew the whole story. Even she didn't always know exactly why they were going where they were going. He felt a question form in her mind but he was ready to nip it in the bud.

_Rose_? she asked and the one word spoke many questions. He could practically feel her smile in the way she asked it.

He had been minding his own business. Shortly after landing on Earth he had identified that the Nestene were planning on invading Earth. There was a relay controlling the living plastic on top of a London shop. If he could destroy the relay he could stop their army before it ever got started. Just get in and get out; that was the plan.

Wasting no time he had gotten straight to work. He may have decided to help but that didn't mean he wanted to spend a lot of time doing it. He knew it was sloppier and much more conspicuous than his usual work but he honestly didn't care. He didn't have the energy to come up with a neater plan and the way he saw it, one blown up shop was a small price for Earth to pay for not getting invaded by an alien race. Of course, he made sure that the shop was going to be closed when he set off the explosion so the damage would only be material.

The shop was closed and he had already rigged the relay with explosives. He was just headed to the roof to set them off when then he heard someone else. He could hear someone, small, female, walking about calling out for some man named Wilson.

He groaned in frustration and rolled his eyes. Great, he thought. This shop was supposed to be empty. The Doctor already knew that the man she was looking for was dead (that had been a wonderful surprise for him to find) killed by the Nestene and so he would have to find a way to get this girl to leave so he could get back to work.

But as he got closer, he could hear her. But it wasn't just her voice anymore. He could hear _her_. It was her spirit, her essence, who she was, it was calling out to him. Clearly and loudly. It made him stop dead in tracks.

Whenever he met someone new he could hear their consciousness. The telepathic abilities he had made it possible for him to get a deep sense of a person. Everyone put off a sense of themselves and he could hear it. Even humans sent a low level projection of themselves out, even though they didn't know about it. He always heard it when he first met someone. He could also seek it out and make it stronger but there was a certain level he heard without searching.

But when the Doctor met someone he knew would be special their spirit often sung out, called out to him, unbidden. It was always stronger with those people he eventually befriended. That's why people were so hard to resist. How could you ignore someone when you could feel who they were and what made them up and it was exactly what you needed? He could always tell when someone was going to be special to him.

But this was something different, something even more than that. The deep aching and hurt that had been pulsing inside of him since the moment he made the impossible choice, was now a bit dulled. It didn't stop, it didn't go away, but for the moment it hurt just a little less. In the presence of this song it paled a little. And that felt so good. It soothed his mind which he had felt could never be helped by anything ever again. Hope sprung in his hearts. Hope...he had thought he'd never feel it again. He had never even considered that any of the pain might go away and yet it was happening, starting right now.

The Doctor felt like he was under a trance as his feet started to move again in the direction of this girl, almost desperate to find her. He had never felt the pull to meet someone as much as he did at this moment. No human's song had ever been so strong or compelling. He felt himself being dragged in the direction it was coming from, needing to meet this person, whoever she might be.

He could tell this one was a wanderer. He always gravitated toward that type. He could feel that she was adventurous and restless; she didn't like to be stuck in the same boring place long. She was the kind that was not content with the status quo. She wanted more than alright, more than the every day. She was the kind that wanted more out of life and dared to believe that she might be able to get it. He loved that in a person; not just that they wanted adventure but that they wanted to use it to change things and make them better. She craved excitement but she was frustrated. Her current life wasn't providing those things she desired.

Her soul was brand new. It was so young and fresh. It was so refreshing. It was almost completely untarnished. She was only just starting; there were only a few places here and there where adulthood had touched the newness of her soul. She was innocent and wide eyed; she still believed in things because life and the passing of time had yet to beat it out of her. He had forgotten what all of that could feel like.

She was compassionate. She saw those that others did not, the ones that got lost and forgotten. She could spot the hurting and she hurt with them. She was the kind of person that stood up for others, that fought for and defended them, not from physical strength and power but by her kindness. She was a caretaker, a protector. She took care of people.

And she was something else. She was something that he desperately craved. She was hope. She was so filled with hope. She had so much faith and belief inside of her. He had _really_ forgotten what that had felt like. But feeling it now he knew how much he needed it. Just being close to her right now was making him better and that gave him more hope than he ever thought he'd have in this lifetime again.

Normally, he had to press hard to find out so much about a person but this was all rushing to him on its own. He didn't stop it or block it out, he let it all rush at him. Though the thought should have occurred to him to avoid this, for the moment it did not.

When he finally spotted the source of the music he was puzzled to find it was just an ordinary human girl. He wasn't sure exactly what he was expecting but it wasn't this. The way the song reached out to him, the way it spoke to him, he had never experienced anything like that with a human before. He never knew it could be strong from a human.

Reality seemed to hit him as he now had a visual for the source of the feelings he'd been having. Young, human, innocent. Breakable and fleeting.

As he continued his ponderings he felt the presence of fear come into her and he turned his attention back to her. Fear, apprehension, and uncertainly were growing, starting to block out the better emotions that had been there. And when she came back into view he saw her surrounded by shop dummies ready to attack.

It was like the next few steps that he took were out of his control. He ran to her. Whether she was special or not, whether he should stay away from her or not, neither mattered because she was in danger and he never ran away from someone who needed help.

He grabbed her hand and in that moment he was bombarded with images and feelings. Not specific future events but hints of what she would be to him. Hints of what he would be to her. Hundreds of times he would hold her hand just like he was now. He could feel the way it would feel to wrap her up in his arms to, to be held in return in her arms. He could see her lounging back in the grass her hair dancing in the wind as she smiled at him. He could see all her different smiles, hear her laughing at something he'd said. He could feel the warmth her presence put could feel how she would make him feel.

His hearts skipped a beat. It reminded him that his hearts had indeed been beating. For the first time in this body he had felt. And it was good. It was life.

He couldn't allow this to go any further.

He realized that he had to get rid of this girl as soon as possible. He couldn't allow any of those whispers to become reality. The very idea of them terrified him. The things that he'd gotten flashes of spoke of a deep relationship and he couldn't imagine that. He had lost so much already; he wasn't sure he could survive such a loss again.

He had come here because Earth needed saving. He could not deny that coming to the rescue was a vital part of who he was. If he gave up on that the Doctor surely would have died. Right now it was hard enough to force himself to be around humans on a casual level. He hadn't come here to find a new traveling companion. And he certainly hadn't come to find possibly more than that.

Survival, day to day, was all he was shooting for. The future in itself was questionable to him. Happiness, love…he couldn't even imagine them in his future. He felt he was broken beyond repair, that he would never be at the place where he would be capable of such emotions again. And even if he did, if he allowed himself to become close to someone they would see him. See what he had done, see what kind of man he was. And they would surely reject him for it.

He evaded the girl's questions and was able to hustle her out the door pretty quickly. "I might very well die in the process but don't worry about me," he had said as he pushed her out the door as if she should care about that. Why was he even telling her that he did not know. He didn't care if she did know. She didn't care anyway. But even when he had finally been able to turn his back on her, he turned around again. For some reason he just wanted to know her name. So, he had told her his and asked her what hers was. _Rose. _

He shouldn't have. Asking someone their name was not what a person did when they were trying to say goodbye to someone. Now he only had that name circling around in his head. It had only made her more real to him. He should have left her as a nameless face. Maybe if he had it would have been easier to forget how he had felt around her. Maybe then he could have forgotten how right she had felt and how being around her for just a few minutes had eased the aching in his hearts and mind.

Now that he was back in the TARDIS he felt her questioning of what had happened as he stood silent for several minutes with his hands on the console in front of him, completely unable to work anymore. He felt the questioning but he ignored it though he knew it would do him little good.

Finally, after much silence (they were both used to and highly tolerant of the silences) she spoke her question again refusing to be completely ignored.

_Rose? _she asked again.

"Yeah, what about her?" he said as nonchalantly as he could manage, still staring down at the console and pretending to be busy.

He felt her give a questioning nudge. "She's just a girl," he said with a shrug.

He felt her disbelief in that statement. "Well…she is," he said defensively. "Don't give that look. She's just an ordinary human girl. Works in a shop lives in a flat, just like an ordinary human girl." Even as he said it he himself could hear how much it sounded like he was trying to convince himself and not her of the truth of the words that he spoke.

_You saved her life_

"Yeah, so? That's nothing new. That doesn't make her special."

_You saved her life. You saved their lives, Doctor_

He paused and smiled. Smiled for the first time because for the first time since the tragedy he felt like the Doctor again. He had saved life instead of destroying it. He hadn't been cowardly, he hadn't been cruel, he hadn't given up or given in. And it felt incredibly good.

She was happy. Happy that he had saved Earth, that he had chosen to save Rose despite the tumultuous emotions he had been feeling at the time. He felt encouragement from her. She didn't say anything about his methods and how haphazard they might have been.

She had been right. He had needed to keep the promise. He was doing it, keeping the promise. And because of that he was starting to move on. It might have been rough and it certainly wasn't perfect but he was slowly making his way.

But she wasn't quite done with the subject of the human he was trying to forget. _You felt it _she said simply.

"Felt what?" he asked feigning innocence, feeling his hearts grow darker again.

_You know what she'll be to you _

He paused for a long moment. "I don't want that."

_Don't you? _

"I'm not…ready for that," he said. Then adding even more quietly, "Not even close." To love another person, to care about her, he knew he was not ready for that again. He was so broken now, if even could even be repaired which he still didn't think was possible, if he ever had another loss that great he was sure he wouldn't survive it.

_No. But you will _

"I'm not sure I will ever be ready for that again."

_You will. And it won't take you nearly as long as you think_

He couldn't deny that it had felt good to be around her, to start to feel better around her. He could feel that it might be a possibility that he could start to be repaired. Maybe one day he would be ready for it.

"But a human? Really?" he asked dubiously.

She gave a shrug as if to say _why not?_

She knew how he felt about humans. They were his favorites. They were adventurous and hopeful. They saw the universe with compassion and innocence and whimsy. Everything about them was so exciting; they always drew him in.

But how he had always felt about them before was something he was trying to break himself of. Not only was he dangerous to them; he felt they were dangerous to him as well. He did not fear for his own mortality. He was terrified by theirs. Their lives were so short. They were so fragile and breakable. Every encounter with one was so short, it always left him with a broken heart. It was hard enough in the past but right now he knew he could not survive a broken heart.

It was always something he struggled with. He always worried about them, knowing that if something happened to them it would be his fault. But whispers of what Rose would be to him was much more than anything a human had ever been to him before. How could he possibly survive a loss like that?

The Doctor felt himself being ripped in two directions. Part of him desperately wanted to reach out and grab the opportunity to be with someone else. He was so lonely. He did not know what it was to be alone like this and it hurt so badly. He hurt so much and he wanted someone to comfort him. She had made the pain start to go away just by being around her and he wanted that. He had never needed anyone so much in all of his life.

But the other part of him wanted to turn tail and run as far and as fast as he could from any other person. He wanted to numb himself to him any kind of emotions and not allow himself to ever get attached to or love another person again.

Right now the second half was winning. He didn't want to get attached. He focused back on the console and the work he had to do. He would finish his job here and leave as soon as possible. He wouldn't see Rose again and he wouldn't get attached.


	4. Chapter 4

It happened again. He had seen Rose for a second time. And she wasn't just Rose anymore. He now had a last name to attach to her. She was Rose Tyler. He now had seen her flat and met her mum of all things. He was finding himself, despite his best efforts, deeper and deeper in.

This time as he entered the TARDIS he was silent again but he went straight to the console and typed in a location on the other side of London. He didn't even try to act like everything was normal as he got them quickly away from this place.

He had been minding his own business. Again. After working tirelessly through the night he had found that the Nestene must have another relay set up. Blowing up the shop hadn't gotten rid of all the signals. In fact, it had destroyed very few of them which meant there was an even larger relay somewhere else. To his disappointment he found he would have to stay here a little while longer.

He had been following a signal to a piece a living plastic that was active when he had found her again. He had been completely stunned when he had followed the signal to a flat and who should open the door but Rose herself.

He tried to act calm and just make a joke and leave quickly but she had pulled him in and made him stay. She was spirited and wouldn't take no for an answer...and he liked that. And most importantly he felt like he needed that. He smiled at the memory before pushing it away and replacing it with a stoic face. He couldn't afford to think like that.

It was no coincidence that he had run into her again. He couldn't believe in coincidences when he could see timelines in front of his eyes. Events were meant to happen a certain way and he often saw why that was. He could no longer try to deny that this girl's presence in his life was meant to be.

There was another thing he couldn't deny. He could no longer deny that he was drawn to her, that he did want to know her better.

_You were smiling, for real and laughing _the TARDIS said simply as she looked over the memories of the time he'd just spent with Rose.

He could feel it made her happy. She could see that, for a moment, talking with Rose, he had had a genuine moment of happiness. He may have smiled the first time he met her but that was only an act, part of the mask he was wearing to appear normal. But today, he had smiled for real for the first time with this face and he laughed, actually laughed when he'd talked with her.

The TARDIS wanted him to be happy. He could feel she was hopeful at the idea of Rose, that she was pleased that he had met her again. Both of them knew that Rose was already weaving herself into their timelines.

He wanted to be happy about it too. It had felt good to laugh and smile. It had felt good to have someone to talk to, if only for a few minutes. It had felt good to have someone offer to make him coffee. He had even found it in him to care to glance in a mirror for once and actually see what this new body looked like. Not bad. Big ears, but not bad.

But it had felt good most of all to have someone who cared about him. In the small amount of time he had spent with her she had found a way to actually feel concern for him despite the fact that he was trying to leave her behind again. He hadn't thought much about telling her he was alone. "What? You're on your own?" she had asked and the concern in her words and her face when she said it made him want to tell her. Looking at her standing there, he wanted to tell her who he really was.

And he had started to. He had told her, though a bit abstractly, a little about himself. He had taken her hand again, this time he hadn't needed to, only wanted to and she had let him. The aching in his mind was again dulled as he focused on her. His mind seemed to heal just from being close to hers.

But for all taking her hand _had _done for him, there was one thing it had not. The first time he'd taken her hand he was hit instantly with flashes from her, his, _their_ future. This time he had sought out her timeline. He had searched for her future, wondering what it would look like. But he had found nothing. He knew she had one but it was obscured. It was hidden from him. There was only one thing that meant.

The TARDIS sensed all of his ponderings. She knew what he was thinking and the things he was feeling but still she asked.

_Why did you leave her? _

"I couldn't see her future. I know what that means."

It meant that she was a part of his future. The only time someone's timeline would be so hidden from him was when they were a part of his. He couldn't see his own future and so when he could not see someone's future it was because it influenced his own. It wasn't as if he had free reign to look at anything and everything in a person's timeline; that was never true of any person whether they were a part of his life or not. But when someone's future was so blatantly veiled from him as Rose's was it could only mean one thing.

It was terrifying enough to know she would be a part of his future but even more frightening was not knowing what that would mean for either of them. Would she stay with him? Would she reject him? Would they be friends? Would they be lovers? Would he get to keep her? Would she be taken from him? He could see none of it now. The timeline was becoming less in flux and more fixed.

And all that made him want to do was run. So, when he had realized he wasn't going to see anything he had let go of her hand, stopped his ramblings and had told her to forget him. She had been so stunned she hadn't followed him but that wasn't as much of a relief as he thought it would be.

_You already knew she was going to be important to you. You've already felt it_.

"But I don't want that," he said, though this time it wasn't true. The first time he'd said it after meeting her he'd meant it. He hadn't been able to see how he could let someone in, how he could be happy, how anyone could care for him and him for them. But today he had got a small glimpse that it was possible and he knew he wanted it to happen.

_It's already happening. You will choose that. You can't see more of her future because she's a part of yours._

"I know how it works," he snapped slightly. He felt her pull back slightly and be silent. He regretted it instantly. She was saying exactly what he was thinking and he was just angry that he couldn't allow himself this.

"I will be the death of her," he said quietly. "And I refuse that."

It was best for her not to know him. He was nothing but danger. Already he was getting her into trouble. The Nestene had fixed on her just because she had crossed paths with him. That arm could have killed her if he hadn't been there when it attacked. And that was after only knowing him for a few minutes. Imagine the damage he could do with a few days' time.

"I mean...look at what I've done. Look at what I am," he said shame still heavy upon his shoulders. He couldn't allow himself this. For her sake.

_You can't be alone _the TARDIS finally replied gently after several minutes.

He knew it was true. He would not survive alone. He felt ashamed of it even though he knew he didn't need to. He should be able to take care of himself, to not have to depend on another person's presence for his survival. But he had never been able to do that. And he certainly couldn't do it now. He had been used to having a telepathic link with others; he had not been alone even when he was alone. Now he did not have that.

He didn't do well on his own. He did bad things when he was alone, when he was left to his own devices without another person to balance him out. If he was going to continue living then he really didn't want to be that but he couldn't sacrifice someone just to make sure it wouldn't happen.

He felt the TARDIS give him comforting squeeze. "So, is that it? I sacrifice her to save myself? I survive but at the cost of her?" he asked, emotion heavy in his voice.

_Trust me. It will be worth it. For both of you. Neither of you will regret knowing each other_

He could feel how sincere her words were. She must have seen something, she must know something more than he did. Something now made her certain of the words that she spoke. It made him want to give in. Maybe, if he happened to run into Rose again, then just maybe he would take the chance to be with her.


	5. Chapter 5

The Doctor shut the door to the TARDIS behind him feeling completely defeated as he walked inside. He was momentarily confused and a bit stunned by this current turn of events. He walked aimlessly to the console, not really sure where to go from here. He held his hands in tight, painful fists down stiffly at his sides His eyes stung with tears like needles but he left them there to stab rather than letting them out.

He had invited Rose to come with him...and she had said no. He was not use to having his invitations refused. It just didn't happen and right now it hurt more than he wanted to believe. He never needed someone so much nor wanted someone more than he did this time.

He had thought he was protecting himself. He had thought that he did not want to open himself up to caring about someone, to actually loving another person again. He thought he didn't even want that. Then he had admitted that even if he did want that he wouldn't take it because he didn't deserve it and he would only cause her harm. In the end, he figured he'd really only been trying to protect himself all along.

But he had given his hearts to Rose. Already, he had done it. And what he had tried to run from was now happening. All the pain he had tried to avoid he now felt vividly.

For a third time in only 24 hours he had come into her orbit. In the course of trying to defeat the Nestene he kept finding himself drawn into her life. But this last time he hadn't pushed her away. This time he allowed himself to feel around her, to feel _for _her.

He stopped denying his feelings for her. He stopped avoiding her questions. He had started to allow her to really see him. She hadn't even blinked when he said he was alien. It was like it didn't even bother her. When he had explained to her what was going on with the Nestene she hadn't even skipped a beat. It was like it was normal for her or more like it _could _be normal for her. He felt it solidify in his mind what he had sensed before; that she was made for this.

He had grabbed her hand and they had run. It had been fantastic. Fantastic; he liked the word. It described her perfectly. She had faced the Nestene and she had been so brave. She had defeated them. Without her he would not have been able to do it. Without her he would be dead right now. She had saved his life and in doing so had made him feel his life really was worth saving.

He didn't understand. He'd been so sure she would accept the invitation. He'd almost been cocky in the way that he had talked about human life, all food and work and sleep. He'd been so sure that she would never choose such a boring life if given the chance for more. He knew she wanted more out of life, he had felt that she wanted adventure and that she was bored with her current situation. Then the way she acted, the smile on her face during all the action, had made him believe that she liked it, that maybe she even wanted this kind of life. Maybe, his life could provide the adventure she wanted.

He wanted all of that. He didn't want to leave her. But she had chosen human life so he had to leave and he had to be alone.

_Where are we going? _the TARDIS asked with slight alarm. He could feel gentle sympathy from her. She sensed something was wrong but she hadn't looked inside to find out what.

"Does it matter?" he asked heavily, his hands on the console as he hung his head. He didn't have the energy to explain, not that she needed him to anyway. He could feel her skimming his memories.

_Where is Rose? _she asked with concern.

"Not here, obviously," he shot back.

_Go back and get her_

"No" he said heavily.

She gave him a firm nudge in reply.

"No," he stated again this time firmly. Now he looked up at her, anger and hurt in his voice. "I've done everything you've asked! I believed you. I trusted you," and here his voice broke. He coughed it away with anger. "And all because you said it would be worth it. But this…this is so much worse," he paused as the emotions fought to strangle him.

He felt her reach out to him but he pulled away evading her touch. "Why did you do this to me? Things were bad enough. I didn't even know they could get worse."

He felt her stroke him reassuring trying to comfort him but he shoved back against her. He clenched his hands at his sides trying to focus on the anger instead of the pain that lay beneath it. He had listened to her and she had given him hope. She had given him hope in something he didn't think he had wanted and wouldn't have sought out. She gave him that hope when it would only be taken away.

He felt sorely betrayed. Because of that hope and trust he had given his hearts already to this human girl. He should never have done such a dangerous thing and he wouldn't have except that she asked him to trust her. He had done it because she had promised it would be worth it.

He knew this is what he deserved: to be alone. He didn't deserve to be loved or to be happy. He knew all of that and still he felt betrayed in the fact that the TARDIS had allowed him to believe that things could be otherwise. He had known what his lot in life was going to be from here on out but she had made him think he could have better than that.

He knew that Rose had made the right choice. It was better for her to stay on Earth. It was better for her to live out her life as a normal human. It was better and much safer for her to stay as far away from him and the life he lived.

_Go back for her. You know you want her to come_ she ordered firmly again. She still had yet to give him an explanation for why she thought this would have worked out.

"I know you saw what happened" he cried indignantly. "I asked her to come along and she refused. It doesn't matter what I want because she said no. "

_She wants to come_

"Oh, alright," he said with sarcasm. "Because refusing an invitation is the surest way to say yes to it."

She gave him an angry nudge

"That's fine. You're mad. Well, you know what, I'm mad too." He didn't care. He was done with this whole thing and whatever she was trying to accomplish by tugging on his very fragile heartstrings. He didn't know what her game was but he was not going to play along anymore.

_Go back now! _she shouted at him, her feelings of anger growing.

"Why do you even care so much?" he questioned, shouting now back at her.

_I love her_

The Doctor stopped, completely stunned by her words. That was not at all what he expected her to say. He could feel the sincerity with which she said it and he didn't understand it at all. "You what?" he asked in quiet disbelief.

_I love her because she will love you. She will make you so happy. And she will save your life without even trying, without even knowing she is doing it. _

"H-How can you know that?" he asked in disbelief. It was a lie. It had to be. He wouldn't believe her words. No one could love him. No one would ever want to again. Nobody wanted to travel with him, be with him. And he wouldn't allow that hope to inch its way through to his hearts again.

_I know her. I know her heart and mind. I will look into them and know her completely. You must go back for her._

The Doctor was stunned at her words. He wasn't sure how what she was saying could even be possible. This girl was just a human. Just an ordinary human girl. How could it possibly be true in the future that something so extraordinary could be true of her?

_You know she's more than that_ she stated, answering his questioning mind.

He did know that she was more than that. He could look at her and say she was an ordinary human girl but everything that he had felt and seen since he had met her had told him otherwise. Already, without even trying she had started to ease the pain inside of him, a pain so deep he had been sure it would never have been eased.

He didn't know what mysteries the future held with this human. He didn't know how any of what the TARDIS was suggesting could be possible. But he wanted to know. For the very first time since he lost everything he wanted to live. He was looking at the future and he wanted it.

_Right now she regrets saying no. She regretted it the moment she said it. She's looking over her shoulder hoping you will reappear. She needs us and we need her._

Despite himself hope sprung in his heart again. He wanted to believe it. He wanted to go back for her.

_You just took her by surprise. But what you are offering is exactly what she wants. You open those doors again and she will come running through them. _

There was a pause in her words as she felt him deliberating but then she continued. _Let's go back and get her _she urged excitement in the way she touched his mind.

He paused only a moment before he rushed to console and started feverishly flipping controls to reverse their course. He smiled as he did and he felt happiness radiate from her. When they arrived back to place where he had left Rose he ran to the door, composing himself right before he opened it.

She was still there. She turned around and looked at him and he _felt _that. He wanted to live and spend as much time as he could having this human girl look at him like that. Relief and excitement and happiness were written all over her face. She _was_ glad he was back. The TARDIS had been right all along.

Somehow, he managed to speak again. "By the way, did I mention it also travels in time?" He's not even sure why those were the words that he spoke. But it didn't really matter either way; he could have said anything and she would come. She _did_ want to come.

He smiled and walked back into the TARDIS, leaving the door open. His smile grew as he heard her behind him, literally running towards him.

He felt the TARDIS nudge him as if to say _See I told you so_

He had made a promise when he became the Doctor. Never cruel, nor cowardly. Never give up. Never give in. But it was a promise the TARDIS had made as well. It was a promise they kept together and it was a promise she made to him. She could have been cruel. It was certainly what he deserved after what he had done. She could have kicked him out and left him forever. She could have given up on him and let him destroy himself. But she didn't. She never gave up on him and she never would. And he never would on her either.

He had broken the promise but she had kept it. And by helping him to keep it too, he had found his way back to being the Doctor. She'd been right all along; it was the only way to help him to keep him going. Being the Doctor had lead him to Rose and she was the key. Because being the Doctor was a reason to live. But being with Rose was a desire to live.

He smiled faintly up at her. _Thank you_ he whispered to her in his mind just as Rose bounded into the TARDIS and smiled at him.

She wrapped around his mind in a strong but gentle way, not needing the actual words any longer to be heard to tell him that he would be alright; he was listening now. They would always care about each other, always take care of each other. Always do what was best for each other. All three of them now.


End file.
